Monday, July 30, 2012

YouShouldYouShould: ReWorking the Ending--any help?



Re-working the last 2 pages... any thoughts?  I took out 6 lines from page 30, because otherwise it would have been too much text in comparison to the rest of the story.  They were important, but slightly irrelevant and not absolutely necessary.

Now my questions are:

1.  On page 30, is the word bizarre too complicated for young children?  

2.  Does it seem like the hippo calling the others seemingly "bizarre" is a step backward after the lesson we just learned from the story?

3.  On the final line, which fits better?
"I am happy to be me"
or
"I am glad to just be me"
or
"I am best when I am me"
or
"I am choosing to be me."

4.  (5 hours later) WHAT ABOUT THIS for pg 30???--I wrote brand new last 2 lines:


Upside down is not for me,
and I don’t like to climb, you see.
Today I think that I would rather
swim and watch the fishes gather.
As I float on my backside,
you’re welcome to come catch a ride.
I won't say “You should you should!”
I'll let you choose it, if you would.
We're different, true, from near and far.
But I like you the way you are.

Original:

[page 30—focus on hippo talking to all animals]
Upside down is not for me,
and I don’t like to climb, you see.
Today I think that I would rather
swim and watch the fishes gather.
As I float on my backside,
you’re welcome to come catch a ride.
But I won't say “You should you should!”
I'll let you choose it, if you would.

I like you all the way you are.
Even if you seem bizarre.

[page 31—in the water, animals riding on hippo's tummy off into the sunset]
Even more importantly,
I am happy to be me. (I am glad to just be me)  (I am best when I am me) (I am choosing to be me)

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12 comments:

  1. I like how you changed page 30. For page 31, I like I am best when I am me or I am choosing to be me.

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  2. I like your reworked two lines. Gets right to the point of "We're different and we can still like each other". In this case, I like the finish as "I am happy to be me". The message is We can be happy AND be different AND like each other (all at the same time - how about that????)

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  3. I like the new ending much better; I think the word bizarre used in that sentence is better cut out. I like "I am happy to be me."

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  4. I like your rewrite of the last two lines. It fits the meter and message. And you've avoided the questions of whether to use bizarre.

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  5. Cute story :) I think cutting out bizarre is a good idea. I like the alternate ending better. I like "I am best.." or "I am choosing..." for the last line.
    Also the the Chomp lines from the (bird) sound a little off... maybe something like...

    You look hungry. Come and eat!
    You can come and try my treat.
    Wait! your Chomp makes such a mess.
    With a Peck-peck-peck, you’ll have success! (just an example)

    and I would just leave out "It's not my day" from (Monkey) love the Oo Oo Ah Ah Ee Ee Ee :) so cute!

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    Replies
    1. I was completely ecstatic when I first read your new idea for the bird part of the story--I've pounded my head over that part and still wasn't satisfied. This worked great, except then I realized I used "mess" and "success" as rhymes at the end when the hippo becomes assertive, talking to the bird:

      If I peck-peck, I'll make a mess.
      But I can CHOMP with sweet success!

      Sigh. I'll have to keep reworking that part too looks like. You're not the first to mention it still sounds off. I've rewritten it like 10 times though so I've been taking a break I guess. haha Thanks for bringing it back to the table. Needed to happen.

      I have to keep "It's not my day" (or replace it with something else) because it needs a line there to fit the rhyme meter.

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    2. Butting into your conversation. How about something like

      "Your big chomp is much too rude (or Your big chomp is widely booed)
      You should peck when eating food"

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    3. That's a good one Holly!

      you could also use something like

      peck-peck-peck makes my head ache
      with one big chomp I’ll eat my cake!
      or
      pecking sure makes my head ache
      I'll chomp chomp chomp while in the lake
      or
      I don't want to peck my food
      I like they way my chomp sounds crude

      for the second part...

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    4. oh and on the other one, to edit myself :)
      I think

      just peck peck peck, you'll have success

      sounds better

      you could also use
      I'd rather chomp while in the lake

      I was also thinking in the last paragraph... hippo's can't snap and the book is about being ok with what you can do... It's a cute line so I don't know... but you could do something like...

      I like to eat. Nap in the sun.
      Now that is what I call fun. or That's what I like to do for fun.

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    5. This is Sister Steed by-the-way :) I sent you a message and attachment to your facebook...

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  6. I like your the new ending, the "we're different true..." because I think it teaches the message of your book more powerfully.

    Oh and for future reference when you're wondering about whether words are too complicated I asked my sisters about the word bizarre. My 7 year old sister didn't know what it meant, but I think she would be able to figure it out in context. And my 9 year old sister knew what it meant. I think using a couple "big" words in children's books is a good thing especially if a parent takes the opportunity to explain what the word means to the child (it does depend on the age group you're intending your book to be for).

    I like "I am best..." or "I am choosing" for the end. At the end of page 30 there's the line "I'll let you choose it, if you would." So it might be kind of cool to tie those two lines together by using "I am choosing..." to help teach that we need to choose who we become not someone else.

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  7. I like the new ending. And I read through the story in a previous post and it's great. And I think that it's wonderful that you're getting a book published. And I think you're great.

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